Chronic Unemployment 14Sep11 | 0

Insurance, who needs it? Well, frankly, me. My insurance is scheduled to end come November when I turn 26, there’s potential for me to stay on in indefinitely if I can prove that I am permanently disabled, which I am, technically. Although I lead a very ‘glamourous’ life, I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well as fibromyalgia. I even get the special parking that goes with it although I avoid actually using the parking if I can.

 

Part of staying on insurance means my doctor had to write a written report on me and submit it to the insurance company. I got a copy of that report today. Did anyone else know that chronic unemployment counts as a diagnosable disorder? I really appreciate that he wrote this report for me, and it goes in my favor that he wrote what he did, but a dose of the truth from someone I really respect the opinion of may be a bit more that I was ready to hear. Ok, no maybe about it.

 

He also pointed out how socially retarded I am, and that I’m fat. I need a life overhaul. I need to loose weight, as for the social stuff….I’m happy with the way my social life is. I see Kelly a few times a month and I have my mom to talk to, although I know this doesn’t seem like much, I like it and it makes me happy.

 

I am taking belly dancing classes and that is about as gutsy and I want to get, this coming from a white girl with no rhythm is pretty damn ballsy in my opinion. I really suck at it, no grace whatsoever, but it’s good for me, and maybe I’ll make some friends doing it. I’m quitting weight watchers, it’s just gotten beyond pointless lately to be a member, I’m not really following the points system and I never use the online tools. Anyway, I never really built any relationships doing it, so I’m done with it.

Following the Leader 12Sep11 | 0

So everyone seems to have written a post about their 9/11/01 experience. I feel like I should have a lot to say about it but I don’t really. I was taking standardized tests at the time in a classroom at Broad Ripple. I heard that there was some kind of emergency going on in New York. After the tests were done I went and stayed in my theatre class for the rest of the day. I remember we had a tv on watching everything and that I escaped to the bathroom to make sure everyone was ok. I remember being worried about Ally in Georgia, I called my dad and made sure he was ok, it was his 50th birthday that day. Nothing really hit me until the next day in English class when students were saying we should just bomb the hell out of Iraq. I found that sentiment so disturbing. Why was it that we should kill more potentially innocent people in a knee jerk act of revenge, like kids on a playground trying to get back at a elementary school rival. I have never been a violent person, I just don’t feel that kind of rage, when Kelly and I talked about it she noted that I turn my anger inwards and punish myself, she’s right.

 

I have trouble realizing it’s been 10 years since that day, the passage of time in my life is so off kilter to me, nothing seems that far away, I feel like my life will never be as I see it, I’m never going to remember more than half the things that happen to me, but I wish I could. Why is it the bad things all seem to stick in my memory while the happy times just slip away. Maybe because the happy times weren’t that happy. Always tainted by the rest of my life.

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet 01Sep11 | 0

Everyone has a personal theme song, a song that describes them, mine is Jimmy Eat World’s The Middle. What’s yours?

How about not? 01Sep11 | Comments Off

So I signed a contract with Sprint to get a wireless hotspot for the house, the limit on it was 5g….and I used almost all of it within days, so I upped the limit to 10g, but can’t watch tv or stream movies if I want to stay within that limit. I have a month to back out of the contract and I think it’s what I’m going to have to pay, I don’t have the finances to pay for this shit. This, as you might realize, is very disappointing to me. I love the internet and have spent over a year without it at my house, going to the library and my parents house to mooch it has been a pain, but I just can’t afford $100 a month for slow as fuck internet that has a limit on it.

25Aug11 | 0

I know I haven’t posted here in forever, but things move so fast. Eric left, I stayed sick and mooched off the parentals for several months then got served with a social contract with them (which is actually working better than I thought it would).

I worked at the florist for the week leading up to Valentine’s day then pulled out early and checked myself into Community North for a week’s stay that ended with electro convulsive therapy (ECT). I attempted suicide (time #2) a few weeks later and managed to convince the staff that I did not need to do another stint of inpatient care. That stay instead led me to an intensive out patient therapy that consisted of hours of intensive group therapy which sucked majorly.

Now I have been working for *insert big box toy store here* and really like the people I work with, they’re remind me of the time I spent doing theatre, really off the wall personalities. It’s boring a lot of the time, just standing behod a register, but it’s also very low stress, which is good for me.

I’m going back to school, no more design or art, my meds make it downright impossible to create anything, I’m studying early childhood education (again). I have to retake some math classes too, which sucks. Math and I don’t get along.

After of going over a year without internet I am now back online. I missed teh wubz.

3 Days Later 15May10 | 0

I went to the doctor, he gave me a magic bean and I’m back at the top of the beanstalk.

Depakote does that for me I guess. I am back to wanting to do everything at once so badly that I can’t do anything. So many ideas rushing through my head that I can’t grab hold of one long enough to pursue it. It’s like a huge bottle neck, all that creativity pushing so hard to get out that it blocks single ideas from manifesting.
I want to start a program for teens to do theatre. To really learn how a production works, and have direct focuses on technical theatre and everything that creates the background for the actors. I think the set for Two Rooms was the most influential and moving set I have ever seen. It was impossibly simple, but had so much resonance with the story and the way is was directed and the closeness of the audience just made it seem so real. It’s the only show I’ve ever done that I cried at every single night I called it. It was beautiful, and meaningful, and terrifying all at once. I miss Daniel’s talent, it was such a pity when we lost it.
I don’t know that I’ve ever have a full blown manic episode, but right now, I feel everything, I want to laugh and cry and scream all at once, smile and experience everything all at once. That Jack Kerouac quote about how the only people for him are the mad ones rings so truly for me. The mundane everyday tasks and habits have lost all meaning to me, I loose track of the days, all I only know how long until the next time I get to work and run, run, run, so I can stop thinking for just a little bit. My mother tells me to journal, I don’t think this is what she meant.
I keep looking for distractions, I miss doing Rocky, I now have the schedule that fits it, but I just can’t it’s not safe. I have all these things in my head that are divided into specific categories and sub categories: safe, not safe, clean, dirty, revolting, tasty, and I can’t shake them no matter what I tell myself. I used to love concerts, getting right up against the barriers and screaming the lyrics along with the band, it felt so good. I can’t even do lawn seats now, it’s too close, too loud, too open, too much. I go into sensory overload and end up sitting in a ball covering my ears and closing my eyes just to get through it. So I don’t inconvenience the people with me by insisting on leaving early.
I simply can’t make new friends, it’s too awkward and frustrating, there’s no back history to fall back on, no inside jokes to save myself from silence. I miss the inner circles I once belonged to.
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Ten Days Later 11May10 | 0

I am in the middle of a mixed episode. A really hard one. The mix is one of manic thoughts and severe depression, lethargy, and loss of energy. I feel like I am just this limp rag, I hurt, and I want to crawl into a ball under my covers and stay there. But my mind races. Eric is doing his best to keep up with my moods.

I got an emergency appt. with my doctor today and got put on Depakote. I took is a few hours ago, now I just feel numb and my mind still races. I’m sorry that I don’t write more when I’m experiencing these things, I feel I should to help myself better understand what triggers them. I think this time it started with Mt. Dew. I had waaay more caffiene than usual and got into a bad place, and stayed there. I don’t know how to get out of it now, hopefully the medication will help

Written May 2, 2010 11May10 | 0

My web is bad with rain. Or, that is, the neighbor’s web is bad with rain.

I am home early from work, the driving rain and lack of business got me cut within an hour of arriving. Not a huge issue. Last night I had a table of two young adults, both females. Blonde and brunette. They put in orders, I sent them to the kitchen, and delivered their food, immediately I was told that Blonde’s wings were meant to be boneless, I apologized profusely and reordered them. She said it was fine, I let them eat, got them their bills, and then saw them both tear off the surveys that come one every ticket. I ran their credit cards, they each tipped a whopping dollar, and read about my failure to get anything right. Neither of them specified that the wanted anything other than spinach dip, wings with mild and ranch, and onion rings. Apparently my mind reading skills failed when I brought them boned wings, and the onion ring appetizer rather than the side. I had no idea about Brunette’s onion rings and her complaint about being ‘forced’ to pay for them at appetizer price until I read this. These kinds of surveys really don’t upset me when they are just looking for faults. But then, while bussing the table, I realized Blonde had left me her business card. Bwahahaha. Yeah, a few months from now, I will heckle your awful photography.

It’s been busy lately, and humid and rainy, I just have not felt like posting, The past two night I fell asleep on the couch with out taking my meds, on top of that I’ve been drinking way too much Mountain Dew. Caffeine and I don’t mix well in more than small doses; actually anything meant to give you energy is not a good idea for me, my anxiety skyrockets. So this morning I was just a mess. Angry, sad, and full of energy. Eric made me take some meds and then took me to the dollar store. He knows shopping helps. I got some cheap things to placate my retail therapy requirements. Air fresheners being one of them. Humidity and three dogs do not mix. I’m super sensitive to smells and it’s just been nauseating.

Then I took a nap as the meds make me sleepy. I feel better now.

Always tomorrow, never today 01May10 | 0

I have been doing Census training all week and it has left my mind numb by the end of each day. I start the actual field work Monday, wish my nice weather.

We are still…going. The backyard fence has been all but finished so it’s easier to get the dogs out for excercise. The budgeting thing is causing some frustration with each other and it, but I think/know it’s something I really need to learn how to do efficiently.

Work is work, Frick and Frack drive me crazy, being petty and lazy. I fully expect to do some of their work tonight. Hopefully I can just make some mad tips and gtfo.

I am a bad blogger. 14Apr10 | 0

I forget to write when I’m busy. the new job at the Bar is still good, although the Cafe is still bugging me to pick up shift and do more free graphic design work.

I finally made myself go to the podiatrist about my right foot, she took xrays and did an ultra sound and concluded that I had very high arches and plantar facitis, meaning the tendon that runs from the ball of my foot to the heel is really tight and makes it hard to move. I had also fallen down some stairs after rolling my ankle. They taped my foot, I go back Monday and we are trying to get my insurance to cover an orthotic insert. I also fell down the stairs from my bedroom after tripping over Zaphod. He refuses to go all the way up or down the stairs, he stops in the middle to make sure I’m following him.

My meds are doing ok. I feel kind of smothered and like my personal space is being invaded by the people who want to help. I don’t want to be treated like a stereotype, because I am not everyone else, and I may just be one of the few who actually stays on her meds and doesn’t ruin it all.

Working a shift at the Cafe and then the Bar tomorrow, woo! And on a bad foot at that.

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Easily dismissed...

"This is when the ink stops flowing/This is when my head starts going/This is when I just can’t get it out/This is when the hits keep comin'/Just when I think I’m on to something/This is when the bottom bottoms out./ This is when my hands are shaking/This is when the rules are breaking/This is when the music plays too loud/This is when it’s now or never /When it goes from bad to better/This is when it all makes sense somehow"