I went to the doctor, he gave me a magic bean and I’m back at the top of the beanstalk.

Depakote does that for me I guess. I am back to wanting to do everything at once so badly that I can’t do anything. So many ideas rushing through my head that I can’t grab hold of one long enough to pursue it. It’s like a huge bottle neck, all that creativity pushing so hard to get out that it blocks single ideas from manifesting.
I want to start a program for teens to do theatre. To really learn how a production works, and have direct focuses on technical theatre and everything that creates the background for the actors. I think the set for Two Rooms was the most influential and moving set I have ever seen. It was impossibly simple, but had so much resonance with the story and the way is was directed and the closeness of the audience just made it seem so real. It’s the only show I’ve ever done that I cried at every single night I called it. It was beautiful, and meaningful, and terrifying all at once. I miss Daniel’s talent, it was such a pity when we lost it.
I don’t know that I’ve ever have a full blown manic episode, but right now, I feel everything, I want to laugh and cry and scream all at once, smile and experience everything all at once. That Jack Kerouac quote about how the only people for him are the mad ones rings so truly for me. The mundane everyday tasks and habits have lost all meaning to me, I loose track of the days, all I only know how long until the next time I get to work and run, run, run, so I can stop thinking for just a little bit. My mother tells me to journal, I don’t think this is what she meant.
I keep looking for distractions, I miss doing Rocky, I now have the schedule that fits it, but I just can’t it’s not safe. I have all these things in my head that are divided into specific categories and sub categories: safe, not safe, clean, dirty, revolting, tasty, and I can’t shake them no matter what I tell myself. I used to love concerts, getting right up against the barriers and screaming the lyrics along with the band, it felt so good. I can’t even do lawn seats now, it’s too close, too loud, too open, too much. I go into sensory overload and end up sitting in a ball covering my ears and closing my eyes just to get through it. So I don’t inconvenience the people with me by insisting on leaving early.
I simply can’t make new friends, it’s too awkward and frustrating, there’s no back history to fall back on, no inside jokes to save myself from silence. I miss the inner circles I once belonged to.