Ok, tonight I feel better. Much more centered and calm. Manic still, but happy manic rather than a mixed episode. Sorry for the lashing out certain nameless friend, I know you’re super busy and and have been stressed.

I finally feel like we have a fighting chance to make it. This feeling my be gone again very quickly so I feel I need to document it. Eric and I have agreed to make a budget and stick to it weekly, with my mom supervising closely, as in weekly budget meetings. This is more to make sure I am learning and able to manage my money, Eric is just so enmeshed in my life that he is dragged along, plus I am pretty much dependent on him and my parents, I need to work on remedying this.

The new job, providing it works out the way it should, should enable this. I have managed to keep the name and location of the new place under wraps, and will continue to do so, so I can speak freely about it, hopefully sharing funny stories.

I feel like Joanne in that song from RENT, “We’re okaaaaaaaay!”

I am catching up on missed tav, and getting back to feeling like I have a personality outside of bipolar, at least most of the time. The books on the recommended reading list are examples of the extremes, never really discussing the calm in between the storms, the medicated and stable times. I hope to be an example of how these DO EXIST.

My bad reaction to meeds the other night was ending up as very itchy. It is hot here, or at least hotter than I like it. I m a spring/fall lover here in Indy when you can sit in the sun and be comfortable in mid-weight clothing. I don’t tolerate heat well, and I hate being really cold especially since I hate coats.

I need to go to bed, I have a very long and probably stressful day tomorrow.

Lately I’m rapid cycling. I feel really alone sometimes and other time I feel so smothered by the people who car about me.

Right now, I am alone. I have this blog, and I have no clue how it’s put together, no clue how to make it do the things I want/need it to do. My email is disappearing, and the one person I know who can help me, can’t or won’t. I keep asking questions and getting vague replies. Sorry sweetie, I need to vent, and I need you. I am so in need of you right now it’s not even funny. I need your backup to let me know I am still me, to tell me who I really am, beneath the illness, because I think somewhere along the line I lost me. I no longer know what I am or who I am without the meds. Am I still me? Please come tell me. You know me best.

Today I got a new job, at The Bar. I will continue to work at The Cafe until I am solidly established in the new job, but I am afraid. I have 6 weeks experience with a shitty little place with no point of sales system and have never had more that four tables. Sure I can bullshit about wine and beer, and the menu will be easy, but how do I do this? I need the job, and it removes a lot of stress from my life, and Eric’s. He won’t be the sole income anymore. But it still doesn’t get rid of the fact that I need a real job. One with benefits.

I am going back to school, adjusting my major to work with my ability to handle stress, starting out slow, and working with professors who know my past academic mess ups, and understand them. I am excited, and confident I can do that, but I keep getting reminded by those around me that it could be mania talking, grandiose plans that I will never achieve. But how am I to get a ‘grown up’ job without a degree these days?

I was elated today, then I just….fell. I had a reaction to an increase in one of my meeds last night, and am supposed to stop them cold turkey rather than go back to my old dosage, this terrifies me. I need to stop reading books about bipolar, it only makes it worse. Both for me and for my support system. I feel like they expect me to lose my mind and go hypomanic any second now, a real confidence booster.

The other day my mom mentioned something I’d written in my blog. Something I had not told her. It was shocking. I knew this day would come, just like I knew my family would see my body painting website, and stop looking for it, it’s been taken down. They accepted it, and the risque nature quietly, or at least they put up with it. But Mom was anxious.

The idea of putting my words out there, of how future employers might perceive me, concerns her, just like my tattoos do, just like my other rebellious qualities do. Truth is the only journal I have kept regularly has been online. I started a livejournal when I was a freshman in high school, when lj was the cool thing to do, and myspace was just some cruddy little site no one used. It was very intimate, but it was free and I could keep all the entries private with a select few reading it. Now I have this, and I’m open, but still reserved. I guess I like the idea that somewhere someone is reading my thoughts and maybe feeling the same way. However I wish you kids would comment more.

I owe a lot to my mom, I share a lot of traits with her, she’s an awesome woman, and she’s put up with a lot from me, I was a very difficult teenage and proceed to be a very difficult semi-adult. I still need her a lot more than I like to admit. My dad too. They keep me afloat, along with Eric.

Still having the same normal issues, causing more stress than I or my meeds can combat, god bless Eric for putting up with my temper tantrums. I think the nice weather is helping, although it was hot for me today, wearing all black is not fun in the sun. I did get to paint a little, it helps me center and feel better, calmer, more in control. But then I got home and freaked out about laundry, C’est la vie.

I am trying very hard not to talk about work in here, I feel it’s too dangerous. If someone found out where I worked, I could be in deep shit. Call it rationality, call it paranoia, Kara creates a link)

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But I am just so damned pissed off. I have been working at the restaurant since early February and have yet to get paid. The owner has made a habit of borrowing money from my personal bank (read: my wallet). And I understood why i wasn’t getting paid, there were extenuating circumstances, but now I realize the woman he says he gave full control to, was not given control of the money. If she’d had control of the money we wold be paid, the bills and everything would be paid, including the linens service, the rent, the bills, everything. The cook could pay to diaper her 3 mo. old baby and pay for her gas to get to work. I would be able to buy groceries, pay for gas for my car, help pay the ills, and help pay to get Eric’s car ill paid. Among other things we need deeply.

IT IS ILLEGAL TO NOT PAY YOU EMPLOYEES! srsly.

I am looking for new jobs, and luckily Wendy is throwing some work my way, I’m creating some art classes to teach at the store during the summer, a lot of found art stuff, maybe some watercolor or cartooning techniques. Maybe help them each make their own comic book.

Also, I forgot to take my meds last night and woke up panicky and scared and feeling awful, took them immediately and proceeded to sleep till 3. Internet goes wonky when it rains so I need to get somewhere I can use the internet to post and do some research.

I also need to find some more apps for my Tilt. The ones I have are lacking in a couple areas, off to Panera, Glendale style.

I have new phone, an HTC Tilt 2.

It is nowhere near as user friendly as my Palm Centro was, but the beloved Palm decided it had done it’s duty and committed a Japanese-style suicide. It was a painful death and I mourn it’s passing in the deepest parts of my heart and soul, I loved that phone.

(Note the really shitty photoshop reflection, tee-hee.)

However ATT no longer carries any Palms and the insurance company didn’t give me any options, it was the Tilt or nothing. The Tilt with mobile Windows. That makes no sense when you’re just trying to change the damn background. But I think I have it under control now, and doing everything I need. I must admit it’s much easier to find apps that are easy to use and free. I can now tweet, read and send email, surf the web, read my rss feeds, upload to flickr, and everything I need to do on the go. It’s also my day planner just as my Palm was. So although it has wretched Windows….I think the relationship may work.

For those of you scolding me to just buy and iphone and quit bitching…I WOULD, except for the fact that I don’t have that ind of pocket money and IT HAS NO INSURANCE, meaning it dies nod it does not get replaced for $50. I refuse to get a phone I can insure. I will give that it is and Apple product and thus user friendly, sleek and sexy, and will actually connect to my Mac and all that jazz.

We had a very busy Saturday yesterday. Eric, being a HUGE Lego fan, wanted to go to the lego convention here in town, we took a friend’s child with us as a favor, they both just spazzed out. I took some pictures, but due to the crowds it was impossible to get any really amazeballs shots, that and I’m using a cell phone camera. Although a nice one.

This was one favorite of mine, a flat portrait of Robin.

Cooper thought this was amusing:

That would be the headless horseman in the middle of a pumpkin patch, what you don’t see s the hilarious carrot patch that Eric and I giggled about quietly.

Later that night we went to my Meetup 20s and 30s group. We went and saw the Ice play Omaha. Eric and I both have a secret passion for hockey. It was fun but we sat in the upper seats which were clearly designed to the aspects of a small child’s hips and ass. I had to wiggle my way in and out, and Eric did too. I had even more trouble getting out of the damn seat, I had to wiggle and slowly lift one side of my body then the other. Now I am by no means a small girl, I am curvy and Rueben-esque, and those seats had a bone to pick with my shapely curves.

I love my nerdy sexy boyfriend.

My book club is reading The Girl with the Dragon tattoo and I just can NOT get into it, I keep straying to Marya Hornbacher’s Madness.

and playing with my new HTC Tilt 2.

Recently I have been struggling with a new psychological diagnosis: Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder. I have changed my meds, and am currently in a semi-manic state, really impulsive, temper issues, fixation, obsession, oh and not wanting to sleep. The possibility that I might have this was presented to me in therapy several months ago and the more research I do and make connections that explain why I did a lot of things in the past the more upset it gets me. I don’t want this label. But Monday it became official, in my medical records and all

Having a diagnosis is something comforting to me, I can put a label on it, and explain why I do all the odd things I do, but this one is also a life sentence to me. I have read about an seen what Bipolar Disorder has done to people. Most recently Britney Spears and her very public episodes. I am afraid of being perceived as crazy, rather than just quirky. I”m not sure I’m strong enough for this.

My other fear is loosing the people I love. I don’t know how much they are willing to handle and am afraid of ending up alone. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for years now, but this is out of control. I can’t stop buying books on Amazon for my Kindle, more books than I can read at one time, and I feel like I am lost inside my own mind, barely able to recognize the behavior while it’s happening to me.

So um, I am having a love/hate relationship with wine. With my new job at the Cafe I was asked to do a wine tasting with the rest of the staff. I have never liked wine. Ever. I’m a solid beer and mix drink girl. And when I do drink I drink very little. I hate being out of control of my body.

Anyway I was schooled. WIne tastes fairly okay if put in the proper glass, like a Riedel, When put in a plastic cup or just a plain water glass, they taste of the icky, and unless you actually take the same exact wine and try it in the three different glasses, one after another, you never realize what a HUGE difference it makes.

I have found that I like Merlot, and I like sweet white wines. My favorite white we have at the Cafe is Swinging Mountain’s Sweet Harmony. It’s sweet but not too sweet, tastes like fresh melons and citrus, and is good with just about everything I’ve paired it with so far. I have found I like all the Merlots we carry.

The problem is…..red wine makes me sick, like bad hangover sick without the fun of getting throughly smashed or even tipsy. So I can’t really drink it, maybe half a glass, but then I’m done. I hold up better with white wine, it’s the tannins that get me, but I WISH I could drink more red.

Seriously, from someone who has never been a fan of wine, these changed my mind.

I also love the food here, mostly it’s Mediterranean, but they’re starting to branch out on the specials. The owner makes hummus that is to die for, just amazing. I’d give the location, but I’d prefer to be at least a little anonymous. Just in case I need to bitch about my job. SO far though I like everyone, and I’m getting the hang of the waitress thing. By no means am I a master, not even beginner, I’m still a newbie. But I had 3 tables come in all at once the other day, a 7 top included, and managed to still get decent tips.

Any advice from the peanut gallery?

Eric and I went to his yearly work banquet this past weekend, this was my first time going and man was it a people watching paradise.

The only rule of dress issued for the banquet was ‘no jeans’, and no, there were no jeans. Eric had dress pants and a dress shirt on, I wore slacks and a nice sweater. We sat at a table with two other women who were dressed in similar conservative wear. Oh but every one else.

My first find of the night was a girl in a dress she couldn’t bend over in or sit in without giving a free show. Just a tube of satin and lace paired with four inch stripy stilettos. I soon realized that a lot of younger women were dress this way, like at sometime during the award festivities there was going to be a least dressed award. And they were all vying for it.

There were also the women who wore shirts meant to be tunic length (mid thigh) wearing said item as a dress, again going out for the least dressed award.

Then they were the women over forty dressing like they were 18. One was sporting a silver ballgown prom dress paired with a sleek silver mullet. Another a dress with a neckline down to her navel, exposing her very large and time trailed bosom, oh and she also had the requisite shellacking of body glitter.

I think the best part was watching women who wear sneakers and steel toed boots 99% of the time try to walk in hooker heels. They wobbled, tottered, and clutched the nearest support all night. I was throughly amused.

The big down point of the night was Eric refusing and forcibly preventing me from taking any pictures with my cell phone. Don’t YOU wish I had pictures of these fabulous women to show you?

I REALLY don’t feel like writing. I’m exhausted from progressive lack of sleep due to insomnia. I want to go home and crawl into bed, sleep until I’m better. Going to Eric’s company banquet tomorrow night. Maybe…if he doesn’t get called in.

Work has been slow, not a lot going on, the only reason I’m writing is because the internet is slow and I don’t feel like breaking out the kindle. I’m working on Alice in Wonderland for my book club, and although I have always liked the book, it is so random. Rather than a novel it’s more of a bunch of separate stories revolving around one character with a lot of logic thrown in. And double meanings. In my hard copy book reading I picked up a Jodi Picoult that seems to break her typical formula, it’s still obviously her writing, but it’s a change of pace from all her other stuff. It’s called Handle with care. Osteogenisis imperfect is the disease and a malpractice suit about wrongful birth is the legal hot topic.

Basically suing a doctor for not telling you as soon as a serious birth defect was detectable, and not counseling you on the option of abortion to save the child from quality of life questions. It seems kind of bullshit to me. There are so many possible birth defects a fetus can present that it’s impossible to check for the rare ones unless you’re looking for specific symptoms, and even then, really? I guess I’m biased because I’ve worked with kids who have defied doctors predictions on quality of life, Eric’s little sister is one of them. They said she’d never be able to crawl (she did), walk (she did), or live to be past the age of 1(she’s 18 now). If Mom.2 had known before she was born that she’d have both muscular dystrophy (practically unheard of in women) and a host of other medical difficulties would she have continued the pregnancy….hell yes. Eric has muscular dystrophy and it wasn’t until his sizer was finally diagnosed that he was tested, and well damn, he had it too, just in a much more mild form.

And me, am I going to terminate a pregnancy if it can be proven that without a doubt my child would have my cornucopia of fun diagnoses? I doubt it. I think I, having dealt with it all myself would be the best possible parent for the child, I understand and can directly relate to all the hurtles presented.

In my humble opinion, it is not a doctor’s fault for missing birth defects that although severe, err incredibly rare and unlikely to present in a child with a healthy family history. And wrongful birth..a parent saying ‘I wish my child had never been born’, I just can’t imagine any parent wanting to be relieved of a loved child.