I am a huge Bob Ross Fan. Yes, the guy who taught you how to paint on PBS. I found this on Comixed

Oh and Zaphod:

Wants me to get off the computer so he can have my lap.

My new Kindle came yesterday. I got inordinately excited about it. Mainly because Jessica recently got a B&N (isn’t it funny that Barnes & Noble has the same abbreviation of Big & Large from Wall-E?) Nook. She is also inordinately happy about this.

Now the above statement doesn’t make sense until you realize that with her Nook she joined GoodReads.com and thus asked me to join too so she could see what I’m reading and glean some suggestions from it, knowing I read more than a normal person.

I already have 196 books added, this is just my Kindle books and what I can think of off the top of my head. OH and I just thought of more authors I need to add.

Ok, also if you want to see what I plan on reading in the future, Amazon wishlist

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I am having some serious impulse control issues with books. being exposed to so many new ones, I’m forgetting to actually read anything new. URGH.

Today has been a day of fights and arguing so I’ve retreated into my literary world to escape it all.

You can find me here:GoodReads

The folder marked ‘BLOG’ on my desktop stares at me. It is empty. ‘Feed me!’ It says. I have recently resolved to write in my blog more often, at the very least on a weekly basis. I’ve done research. Apparently I need to pick a topic more concise than simply my own life. I would write about my illness, but which one? Or do I write about all of them? I’m tempted to just rebel and write whatever fuck all I want. But is my life entertaining enough to really sustain a regular blog?

I am a twenty something struggling to be something more than myself. I have fibromyalgia syndrome (although lately I have come the question this diagnosis given to me at 17) and mental illnesses, the latest guess is a mix of severe anxiety issues and bipolar disorder. Hell I don’t know if that’s the politically correct term for it anymore. Right now I’m in a manic phase, which I like better than the other side, the dark side. It’s like being two different people. But I am not just a bundle of disorders, symptoms, and medical jargon, I know this.

I am an artist. Mainly I paint, but I toy with other things too. I feel really misleading stating this right now because I can’t remember the last time I picked up a paintbrush to just….paint. To enjoy myself. But I want to. I still look at my watercolors and feel that urge to just sit, it’s more a need for the feeling I get when I paint than for the actual outcome, who cares what I paint, or if it’s good, dear lord, just LET ME PAINT.

I am a Buddhist, I light incense everyday and say my prayers, I observe precepts every 15th of the month, I go to weekly temple meetings, and every Sunday I make a Tsog offering. I am not militant, or what could be termed as orthodox, but I have my beliefs and I stick with them.

I live in a house with my engaged to be engaged boyfriend and our three dogs, we moved in at the beginning of the month, it is my first house and I am at a loss. What do I DO with all this space. But I have no money to do any really decorating, so when people ask, I tell them it’s minimalist.

I am a waitress, another thing that just started this month, I have been in entertainment of for the better part of 10 years and this is my fist job in the food service industry. I have no clue what I’m doing, but I mimic what I see others doing and what I’ve seen in movies and I seem to be getting along ok. But then, The most tables I have yet to have at one time is 3. So pray for me.

I guess this means I will be writing about many things in this blog, all of the above. Maybe I should rename it that, ‘All of the Above’. I dunno gotta ask Jess.

My Kindle died. Again. The one I receive Monday morning in the mail will be my fifth Kindle, I’ve stopped giving them names. AT this point, I’m concerned they may be suicidal.
I am an avid reader, I read several books at a time and love to read from different genres. I can dig into a juicy, trashy, vampire romance, or be deeply moved by an inspiring memoir of a woman growing up in rural China during the Mao years. My tastes vary so widely I laugh when people ask me what my favorite book is. I obsess over books and series, I get sucked in, change my syntax, my thought processes, everything when I’m deep in the heart of a good book. It’s a huge relief for me to be able to escape my life this way. So when my books are suddenly taken away due to technical error. I turn into something akin to She-Hulk. MUST HAVE BOOOOOOOKS!!!
When my Kindle is in working order though, I can’t speak ill of it. I love the thing like my first born. It can heal all ills, end world hunger, it’s freaking Batman’s utility belt! How could you not want one of these things? I got it as a compromise, sell most of my print books and use the cash to pay for the device, then buy my books, within reason. SInce most ebooks for Kindle cost about half of what they cost in print they save us a lot of money. (Do not start on the idea that I could use the library or buy used books, it doesn’t work. Not really. Not for long.)
I will say that Amazon has been very nice with me throughout this trial, they have dutifully replaced each defective device without any charge to me, shipping it off the very day I report it broken. But what happens when my warranty ends in July?

I’m trying to enter the contests on http://www.photoshopcontest.com regularly, here is my most recent entry

We moved in early February to a house my dad is renting us. First we were in a state of shock, now the house is. I have to admit I am a terrible house keeper. Tons of laundry in the basement waiting to be done and put away, not to mention the two dozed boxes of stuff sitting waiting to be unpacked, which must be done before the next thaw, as…the basement is not sealed and is prone to getting wet. My bedroom was empty with exception of two nightstands, the bed, the TV, and our various essential electronics, but is now littered with empty 2 liters, food wrappers, legos (LOTS OF LEGOS) extra blankets and a random assortment of stuff. Mind you, we have THREE completely empty closests in this room that is the size of the entire house, remember that, my room is an entire floor of it’s own.

Moving on to the kitchen, dishes, I hate washing them, so they have accumulated since we moved, and have remained in the same spot since. The kitchen trash was taken out once the first week we were in, but we have yet to get the trash to the street for the nice men we pay to take it away.

The dogs have made their usual mess, and I need to clean the carpet, I’d give my left hand for a good vaccum cleaner…and someone to use it regularly on my house. I really just need to gather up my courage and spend my next day off attacking everything with strong cleaning agents.

Lisa Leonard is becoming a household name, at least in my household. She’s this amazing jewelry artist who does beautiful work that is sweet and uncomplicated.

After weeks without my psych meds, I am back on them. I may be medicated, but my spell of purity didn’t come without consequences.

• I love E, I don’t doubt that, but at moments I doubted if this is the life path I want to be on, and if he was the right choice. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else, but I can’t see myself married with kids with him. I suddenly feel like this dream of growing up and having a husband and kids and being a mom has been completely turned on it’s head. I accept that I may require medication for the rest of my life, however…I’m not sure I want kids anymore, I’m afraid to raise a child when I’m not even sure I can make it through a pregnancy without my meds. What if I pass my illnesses onto  my children? Do I really wish to put another person, a child no less, through the challenges I have. What if my agoraphobia gets worse? How could a expect a child to accept a mother who never left her safe place?
• I also question my true sanity. My new psych doctor brought up the issue of a possible diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and I couldn’t dismiss it as a possibility. I scare myself with the intensity with which I feel things. When I hurt, I hurt so much all I want is to make it go away, no matter what the costs, when I love, I love with my entire being, when I obsess, I have no other thoughts, my mind is like a laser, focusing so hard on on some minute detail that I fail to see the world around me and how my obsession hurts others, and myself.
• I finally saw the video for Rihanna’s ‘Disturbia’ the other day, and I immediately realized that that visual image is how I feel when unmedicated. My panic attacks make me feel like I’m stuck on fast forward, slowing down, is not an option, I am out of control. I relate to music a lot, it helps me to express feelings and get them out of me before they destroy me. ‘White Horse’ by Taylor Swift is one of those songs. Although the story is not something I relate to, certain lyrics resonate. I’m not a princess, this isn’t a fairytale. I am not the heroine of some story of redemption and true love that wraps itself up in the end, tying up loose plot points, and ending with a happily ever after.

At the end of  April I was once again checked into an inpatient program. I was lost, depressed, and overcome with all encompassing anxiety. After a few days I left, not because I was better, but because I didn’t feel like I was in an environment any safer than my own home. I’m not suicidal, just ambivalent. Most of the time I just want to curl into a ball and hide from the world, ignoring everyone and everything.
I left the hospital and promptly got a new job as a grooming assistant with the eventual plan of becoming a dog groomer. I am so sick of school I get nots in my stomach just thinking of going to another class, and although I love Wendy, Sugar Buzz just wasn’t paying the bills. For about a month I was happy. Then things just started reverting. Anxiety took hold, and with it a lot of my obsessive behaviors came back. E and I fought, he tried his best to help me and be understanding of my neuroses. But he works nights, which is the worst time for me. I wake up and just cry and cry, lonely and scared.
Sorry if this is disjointed, I’m not very good at expressing these things like this. During the time I was happy in May, I started forgetting to take my meds, I know, this is BAD. But I was too frustrated and hopeful to care. SO now, trying to get my meds back into routine, I struggle. I freak out and obsess over tiny things, needing them to be done immediately.  I am unable to go a day without a panic attack, and I’m hiding my issues. I don’t want everyone to see how quickly I am falling apart.  There’s a song out now with the lyric ‘how many times can I break till I shatter,’ this is me, this is how I feel. How much longer can I go until I end up permanently institutionalized, unable to function in the real world?
Eric is terrified.  I can see it in his eyes every time I cry. Is this going to be my life? Am I forever going to be somewhere in the viscous circle of functioning with glints of happiness and glares of outright misery, not even knowing how to help myself? SO much of the time I feel so alone, but I’m terrified to let people in, even the people I love and trust. I just can’t let them see me so weak, so needy, so helpless. And so I cry, alone, and hidden from the people who could probably help me the most.

I haven’t blogged in a while have I? I’m ‘sick’. In my head I can’t really consider allergies and illness, but living through the past 2 months, I am at a loss to describe it in any other way. Congestion, mouth breathing, sore throats, asthma attacks, rashes, itchy watery eyes, all these things make me feel pretty shitty of late.

• Eric and I are debating a new puppy, very cute little corgi/shitzu mix from his mom, we named her Gertie, like in Jersey Girl. But she’s about a week and a half from weaning, so no rush.
• Zaphod and Joey are at top energy levels what with the nice weather and open windows
• We finally got a roommate. Jay. He plays pretty acoustic guitar and this is pretty much the only sign that he actually lives here aside from the room filled with his stuff. We like having a reclusive roommate.
• Got my hearing tested, have mild to moderate hearing loss, going back in June for another evaluation, hearing aides may be in my near future.
• It’s that time of year for all my checkups. I have dentist, eye, and girly exams all in the next month. I expect them all to go well.
• I had precancerous cells the last time I had a smear and am a bit concerned, but that’s what regular follow ups are for.
• Deb is cheerful, but not getting better really.
• Eric started antidepressants recently, hopefully this will help him some.
• My head and eyes hurt from allergies.